


Just A Sane Guy Doing Normal Things

by pumpkinoreo



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coming Out, Gen, Trans Character, kinda angst but no proper angst because I'm weak, tbh I have no idea where I'm going with this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 06:58:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9872543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinoreo/pseuds/pumpkinoreo
Summary: When Todd had left for college, he cut off almost all interactions with his parents. Along with his long hair.based on this tumblr post:*whispers* transboy!todd who pretended to have pararibulitis so his parents would give him money he could spend on transitioning





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfiction so sorry if it's awful - I just really needed to write out my feelings on trans!todd  
> Unbeta'd, feel free to point out any mistakes!
> 
> Todd is in his first year of college, he's 19. I'm not sure what the canon ages are, but this fic is going with Amanda is 16.

_Freshman year of college _

Leaning back on a chair in his grubby dorm room, Todd glanced nervously down at his phone, which was lying on the desk in front of him. Its screen stared innocently back at him, unchanged. He hadn’t used it for anything but the time in three weeks. At first, his parents had tried to keep up communication, eager to know how he was doing and what he was up to. He reluctantly sent back texts, emails or maybe even wrote a letter, but made increasingly flimsy excuses whenever they asked to visit. He knew they wanted to see their daughter, but she didn’t exist. Not anymore. The frequency of communication and attempts to visits trailed off, eventually halting completely.

This suited Todd fine, but he could tell his parents were initially suspicious and Todd had a niggling feeling that he was abandoning Amanda. He hoped they would just assume he was busy at college. It's not that Todd liked shutting out his family, but he could tell his parents would never accept him as who he really was. He’s grown up hearing their hushed but harsh judgements of passers-by in the streets, or of a character or celebrity on the TV. If that’s how they felt about strangers, how would they take to finding out about their own daughter– their _son?_ In the distant past, he had counted himself lucky he liked men as well as women – but now? How would his parents react to finding out their child was bisexual _and_ transgender? He’d never managed to muster up the courage to tell them, and he wasn’t sure he ever would.

 _I’ll tell them when the time is right,_ he reassured himself, trying focus himself back to the matter at hand.

Todd had always been a ‘tomboy’, so any old clothes he’d brought with him to college fitted him – but his soft rounded face and high-pitched voice didn’t. The single binder he’d scraped together enough money to buy was his most prized possession, even over his treasured guitar. But even that was a chore to have to wear every time he went out, and couldn’t fully push away the dysphoria. He’s already found the hard way that balancing his struggle through college and working a job to be impossible, and Todd was getting desperate. He was barely getting by as he was, but knew he would need a considerable sum of money if he’s ever going to transition. He knows logically that one solution would be to focus on his studies until he graduates, until he gets a real job and can afford his transitioning off his own back. But his dysphoria and anxiety team up so his social life is non-existent, and he can barely get to his classes without having a panic attack, let alone survive a whole period with the jerks there. Todd was sick and tired of people looking at him, and not seeing _him._ He was tired of people tripping over his deadname, his pronouns. And after that – what if he never manages to hold down a job that pays enough? Or even manage to get a job at all? In America's current state, the idea wouldn't be implausible.

As a Brotzman, pararibulitis was something that Todd had always been aware of, and from their uneasiness around the subject he knew how much his parents feared their children would develop the illness.

He also knew how expensive the treatments are.

Taking advantage of the college’s, admittedly sparse, library for the first time, Todd had been absorbing as much research on the rare disorder as he could find over the past few days. With so little contact with his parents, pretending to have pararibulitis would be easy – he’d never even have to fake an attack around them. The hardest part would be having to decide whether the guilt of lying to his parents would be worth it, a dilemma constantly haunting the back of his mind. Todd looked up into the lopsided mirror hanging by his cabinet. He saw his face; that face that wasn’t really _his_ face. He thought about how that could so easily change.

Finally sure of his decision, Todd picked up his phone and turned it over in his hands. He needed that money. He _needed_ that money. Taking a steadying breath, Todd steeled his nerves and pressed the buttons to call his parents.

**~**

After he had broken his fake news, his parents insisted on seeing him. In person. Todd knew deep down that they would, but that didn’t stop the sinking feeling in his chest when they said it. So, that’s how Todd comes to stepping off the bus in his childhood neighborhood with his hair combed and parted, and makeup weighing heavy on his face. There’s little comfort in the familiar surroundings – they’re tainted with a painful barrage of echoes of _‘sweet little girl_ ’ or ‘ _lovely young woman’_. Taking effort to relax his hands which had subconsciously balled into fists, Todd begins the walk to his family’s home. It’s not really close enough to be considered walking distance, but the trek gives him time to compose himself, and he knows he’d prefer it to the awkward silence of the car in the lift his parents had offered him. All too soon, he’s reached the street of the house he grew up in. Todd felt tense as he walked down the path towards the door, and has almost convinced himself to give up and flee before he mentally shook himself and stretched out his hand for the knocker. But before he reached it, the door swung open from the inside.

“Tasha, _Darling!”_

The singsong tone of his mother’s voice hit him seconds before the woman herself engulfed him in an enthusiastic hug, Todd’s wince from being called _that_ name mercifully buried in her shoulder.

“Let me get a proper look at you,” she continued, oblivious, pulling back and holding Todd arm’s length away, one hand firmly gripping each shoulder. “What on earth have you done to your hair?” Tutting, she reached to flick Todd’s fringe. He pulled away, attempting to grin in what he hoped wasn’t a pained way.

“It’s uh– fashionable,” he tried, trying to steer the pair of them out of the doorway. “Mom, stop.” His mother had pulled out a comb from God-knows-where and was trying to push it through his hair.

“Just trying to make you presentable,” she trilled back at him, either not noticing or ignoring his obvious discomfort. “Now, come, dear. Your father’s in the living room – he’s just dying to see you.”

Todd sighed inwardly, resigning himself to be shooed towards the living room. Two minutes in and already feeling drained, he could tell this would be an arduous visit. His mother bustled noisily behind him, shutting the door and straightening the coats hanging on the adjacent pegs.

“Where’s Amanda?” Todd asked, pasting a smile back on his face as his mother turned to face him. If there was one good thing to come out of this visit, it would be seeing Amanda again. As annoying as she could be, in the way that siblings are, Todd regretted not keeping in touch with her.

“Amanda’s out right now,” his mother beamed back at him. “But she’ll back soon, of course she wants to see you! She’s really taking after you dear – started a band with some of her girlfriends.”

Todd gave a soft smile back, not having to force it this time. If only she knew how accurate her statement was: after confiding that she trusted him more than their parents, Amanda had discreetly introduced Todd to her first girlfriend back when they both were in high school. Judging by the rumors Todd had heard while still at that school, Amanda probably did have enough exes to start a whole band by now.

Heart feeling considerably lighter, Todd pushed opened the door to the living room, and stepped in to face his father.

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Natasha._

Todd had always hated the way his dad said that name. He always drew out the syllables, pronouncing each with a tenuto heaviness, pulling the name out into a unique line.

_Nah – tah – sha._

Every time it came out of his mouth, it wormed into Todd’s brain and started attacking the inside of his head with the enthusiasm of a troupe of mining dwarfs. Little pick-axes, wearing down until it was all Todd could do to stop himself from covering his ears and screaming to block it out. He’d tried introducing nickname after nickname, but nothing had stuck to his father, even when they did with his other two family members.

Todd knew the reason his dad put such emphasis on that name was because he was proud of it. He loved the names he’d chosen for his children dearly, and with that same dearness, he loved them. But that didn’t make it easier. It was a daily reminder that the person his father loved wasn’t him, wasn’t Todd. It was someone else. Natasha.

Now, after two months of college where most people at least tried to respect his gender, Todd was struck even harder by the delivery of that hated name.

“Natasha,”

There it was. Todd’s father smiled up at him from his wheelchair, and Todd tried to turn his wince into a reciprocate gesture. He felt out of place, brain screaming at the wrongness of him standing stiffly in the door way, but simultaneously not letting him move.

“Why don’t you sit down?”

Nodding haltingly, Todd mentally forced his legs to walk him to the sofa opposite his dad’s chair and sat, willing his motions to stop looking so robotic. Now sat, he stared quietly down into his lap, fiddling uncomfortably with the hem of the skirt he’d reluctantly dressed himself in for the visit. Anxiety and doubt fizzled in his brain, every silent second passing heavily.

“I understand why you’re so tense, sweetheart,”

Was that possible? Todd’s head snapped up at the words, eyes meeting his father’s. Todd swallowed, and tried to think of what to say, but no words came from his mouth.

“Pararibulitis is a horrible, horrible thing.”

Todd’s heart sank like a stone, disappearing past his stomach and zooming down into the abyss below. Of course. He shifted his gaze away, breaking the connection to his father’s stare.

“You must forgive your mother,” his dad soldiered on. Todd forced himself to listen, no longer bothering to keep his discomfort and upset from leaking into his expression. “You may feel she isn’t treating the matter seriously, but she’s just using her own way to cope.”

The older man wheeled his chair forward, and reached out to put his hand over Todd’s.

“Natasha,”

Todd flinched, abruptly standing, nearly tripping over the wheels of his father’s chair in the process.

“I’m–” Todd stuttered, grasping for something to say. “–Sorry.” He finished. A dense silence filled the gap after his words, tension so thick he could also feel it pressing down on his skin. It drew on, his father not making any attempt to break it, just sitting calmly.

Mercifully, Todd’s mother chose that moment to bustle into the room, carrying a tray with water. She placed it down on a small table by the sofa, settling herself onto the sofa next to where Todd had been sitting.

“Darling,” she began, once she had settled herself down. “Talk to us.”

Todd took a deep breath and started to recite the carefully crafted description of the first stages of pararibulitis he had put together from his research. He’d gone over it again and again until it was almost like an actual memory. Todd wasn’t willing to risk his parent’s having doubts – if he’s doing this, he’s doing it _right_. But his parent’s response wasn’t the grave but respectful and understanding silence he’d expected. 

“Forget pararibulitis,” his father cut in, barely before Todd could get to his second sentence. “You’re going through such an awful experience, we’re not going to make you relive that.”

His mother nodded, smiling even as she dabbed her eyes. “We just want to know how you are! How’s school? Have you made any friends? Honey, we’ve missed our baby girl.”

“Your mother’s right – what matters now is you.” He finished. “You are our daughter, after all.”

Todd, still standing, froze dumbstruck. Before he got here, he’d thought maybe he’d emotionally prepared enough for facing his parent and the barrage of misjudged affection. But the weight of their complete misplacement of effort hurt more than he could bear. A thought drifted to the front of his mind. _Just tell them you’re a boy._ For the first time, he seriously contemplated it. What was the worst they could do? He didn’t live with them, so they couldn’t throw him out. Amanda would be graduating soon too, so they couldn’t stop him from seeing her – and it wasn’t like he saw her much anyway.

Todd opened his mouth. Closed it again. Would it be possible? That they’d accept him just as much a son as a daughter? He’d lived so many years living a lie, maybe it was finally time to admit the truth and deal with whatever consequences came with it.

Again, Todd opened his mouth. This time, words tumbled out.

**~**

“I’m a horrible person” Todd groaned quietly, head pushed into the bus seat in front of him. He’d really thought he was about to do it. But when he’d opened his mouth to come out to his parents, instead he’d started talking about college.

_Yes mom, I’ve made a few friends. No dad, I haven’t gone crazy on the partying. NO mom, I haven’t got a boyfriend. Well, getting all the course’s work finished on time is hard… what with the disease flaring up…_

Todd softly thumped his head against the scratchy felt of the bus seat. Why couldn’t anything go to plan? Just for once? After fumbling his way through trying to make college _not_ sound like the hell it was, he’d garbled an excuse about getting back before it got dark so he’d be safe. He’d exchanged brief yet still awkward hugs with his parents, faked both a smile and a promise to call, then ran out. He hadn’t even got to wait for Amanda to get back. He'd truly wanted to see her. Damn. She was going to _hate_ him. Mentally vowing to call Amanda and apologize – and try not to let any excuses he makes slip dangerously into fibbing territory – Todd racked his brains for what good had actually come from the trip.

In the end, it was all about the money. His parents had promised to deposit some of their savings into his account for medicine for his disease. In a way, that’s what he’d be using it for, Todd thought guiltily to himself. Still, it was hard to remain feeling bad when the prospect of transitioning was shining so close at hand. 

Todd was sure, whatever the consequences of this (admittedly rather serious) lie, he would be able to face them. They would be worth it – finally being able to be who he’s so desperately wanted to be almost his entire life.

_Whatever the consequences._

Surely, Todd thought to himself as he finally dragged his head up and let his gaze wander to the window, they couldn’t be that bad. The boring uniform of corn fields extended further than Todd could see, each passing set replaced by another as the bus rumbled through the vacant countryside. Everything was calm.  

What could go wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at pumpkino on tumblr!


End file.
